Living in the Volcano: A Late-Diagnosed ADHD Mom’s Journey with an ADHD Daughter

From the outside, parenting a child who’s just like you might seem like a breeze. But for a late-diagnosed ADHD mom and her equally ADHD daughter, the reality can feel more like a never-ending emotional explosion waiting to happen. Emotional dysregulation—a daily challenge for both of us—can lead to moments where, when one of us erupts, the other is close behind, creating a storm of big feelings, slammed doors, and yes, sometimes even harsh words we later regret.

**Struggling to Regulate and Be Heard**

At 41, I’ve worked hard to manage my own emotional regulation, giving my kids a “heads-up” when my internal pressure starts building. I’ll say things like, “I’m feeling overstimulated” or “I need some quiet to get my emotions back under control.” It’s like a volcano warning system: I can sense my rising stress, but sometimes, despite my best intentions, I still erupt.

I know the impact that lack of emotional regulation can have, and I try to model healthier ways for my daughter. I share my feelings openly, hoping she’ll feel empowered to do the same. But it’s hard to stay in control when I see my daughter reaching her breaking point. It can feel like an out-of-body experience—I can see myself reacting and know it’s not going to help, yet stopping feels impossible. And once we’re both swept up in that emotional storm, it’s not long before hurtful comments come into play. This is a cycle I want to break, but I know it will take time.

**The Battle of Feeling Heard**

One of the hardest parts of ADHD for me is the feeling of not being heard. I’ve always craved acknowledgment and validation, and my frustration builds if I feel ignored. For many neurodivergent people, this need to be heard can lead us to escalate our words and emotions just to get a response. I see this pattern in my daughter, too. She just wants to be seen and acknowledged. When she’s struggling, she lashes out in ways I remember from my own childhood, as if echoing my younger self saying, “I wish I wasn’t here” or “I wish I’d never been born.”

We have both been instructed to "be silent" and "avoid causing a scene," however, I have come to realize that keeping my voice down is ineffective—it simply leads to pent-up tension. I am determined not to let my daughter experience the same sense of being silenced. My aim is for both of us to develop the ability to express ourselves in constructive and empowering manners.

**Outlets for Regulating Emotions**

Finding healthy outlets for my stress has been essential. I channel a lot of my energy into creative projects and hobbies, like puzzles and Halloween decorations. These activities give me something to focus on, something I can see progress in—a sense of calm and control amidst the chaos. They don’t solve the problem, but they help me cope.

**Learning and Growing Together**

The journey to emotional regulation isn’t easy, and I’m far from perfect. But I keep reminding myself that each day I work on this—each time I vocalize my feelings instead of bottling them up or channel my energy into creativity—I’m taking one step closer to where I want to be. For my daughter and me, we’re in this learning process together. She’s watching me, learning from me, and I hope to show her that growth is possible, that she doesn’t have to fight this battle alone. We’re both aiming to be strong, resilient women who can handle our big feelings in ways that are healthy and constructive.

Some days, it feels impossible, like I’m just not getting anywhere fast enough. But I’m committed to showing her that we can both learn, change, and find a place of strength—even if it’s one small step at a time.